Have you ever wondered what the definition of love is? After getting out of a lackluster relationship, it’s common to obsessively ruminate over details. At times, you may be flooded with self-doubt and even question the definition of love.
I loved this person so why didn’t it work?
Did they ever really love me?
If they loved me, why were they unfaithful?
How could someone who says they love me, be so cruel?
How could they leave me if they truly loved me?
Is love really enough?
Is that what love is?
WTF is love?
What is love?
I’ve pondered all of those questions at some point in my life. And it wasn’t just intimate relationships that led me to those perplexing conundrums—it was relationships with friends, lovers, and family. While I said “I love you”, I wondered if those words accurately described what I was feeling.
Becoming a mother raised even more questions for me. The only thing I have never questioned is the pure and unconditional love I feel for my children! The feeling of that love being reciprocated has been life-altering for me. The downside is that it resulted in reflection on the love I received as a child—or lack thereof. While I know my parents cared deeply about me, it never resembled the dynamic I experienced with my kids.
I believe most parents do the best that they can and give all they have to give, but sometimes it falls short. Parents who never healed from their own painful childhoods are not always capable of gracing their children with the kind, gentle, unconditional love every child deserves.
The painful and sometimes toxic relationships I have engaged in throughout my life moved me to embark upon a relentless journey to figure out this love thing. That journey began when I was 11 years old with a book on codependency. I was onto something decades ago, I was also decades away from any tangible definition of love.
Love is NOT a verb!
Adopting the concept that love is a verb as a way to define love may satisfy most, but it doesn’t sit right with me. It implies that love is based on actions, and that makes it seem transactional. I believe wholeheartedly that love can exist without measurable actions. While this concept may sound good coming from the lips of Oprah, a singer/songwriter, or a piece of quotable literature, it falls short in its definition of love.
The Search is Over
One of my favorite authors is Brené Brown. The book Daring Greatly was life-altering for me and led me to the quote that inspired me to walk away from what I thought was my future. This quote also forced me to recognize my part in the demise of that relationship. Additionally, that same quote was instrumental in building a rock-solid relationship with my children.
When I read Brené Brown’s definition of love, I finally found the answer that had tripped me up for decades prior.
Sidenote: anyone who is struggling with pain and grief from love lost or love that hurts more than it heals is to write this quote down, print it out…or tattoo it to your forearm if need be. In my opinion, it is just that good!
Without further ado, behold this magical quote by Brené Brown:
The Definition of Love
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.”
A key point for me is the importance placed on self-love. It is an area that many of us struggle with and all of us can afford to cultivate. Life coaching can certainly help!
